A Million Loose Ends

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I spent today finishing up this sweater and weaving in the loose ends. A lot of them although a million might be a slight exaggeration.

It’s a basic top down v-neck I started to use up some odds and ends I had on hand. No particular design in mind, I didn’t spend a lot of time figuring out a color scheme, I just made a swatch and started knitting.

On the one hand, it’s a satisfying sweater in that it took very little brain power yet kept my hands busy. On the other, I can’t say it’s one of my favorites. I don’t hate it but I don’t love it either.

My creative dry spell has lasted longer than normal. Usually I need some time to recharge but this has been going on for quite awhile now. Working through my stash the past year has given me a challenge to fill my extra time but now I just feel lost, drifting along in life. Purposeless. Maybe it’s just too hot to knit. Or maybe I need to do more to reboot my creativity than sitting around waiting for inspiration.

I need to act and the first step was to journal.

I know there are “experts” that stand by a daily journaling practice but that doesn’t work for me. I see journaling as a problem-solving tool. When I’m on a roll and productive I have no need for it. But when the shit hits the fan, I find writing about it helps me move through it.

I’ve filled a lot of journals over my life but I don’t keep them. Once I’ve figured out my mood, solved the problem or untangled my emotional baggage, I’ve let it go. I don’t need to revisit it. So old journals get thrown away/recycled. Which is probably why I all of my nice blank books are still blank and I use cheap spiral notebooks instead. My preferred method now is digital since it’s cheaper and less wasteful. And I can delete it all with just a touch of a button. But I do keep a spiral notebook around for those time when I don’t have access to my laptop.

This little epiphany of why I love journals but don’t use them made me see a pattern. There are things I love the idea of but in reality just don’t work with my nature. For instance, I love the idea of a day planner but the reality is I don’t use them. I’ve taken workshops that have you block out your calendar for specific tasks. Nope, doesn’t work for me. You know what does work for me? My Google calendar. I use it mainly for appointments but I also put in reminders. What I don’t do is block out my time. Yet I still managed to maintain my weekly blog posting schedule.

This made me wonder what else am I hanging onto because I love the idea of it yet doesn’t align with my natural tendencies? Are there things in my life that are just wishful thinking? And of these wishful thinking items, are they a hindrence? I have many books but some of them I rarely ever crack the spine. Are they really inspiration or do they keep me from trusting myself, tying me to “expert” opinions instead of figuring out what comes naturally?

These questions intrigue me and I admit figuring it out has piqued my interest. I’m excited about something for the first time in a long time. My life has been moderately successful in that I’ve always had a roof over my head and have never really lacked the necessities but as far as career success goes, I’m nowhere near some of my contemporaries. Is it because I’m not aligned with “what makes me tick”, letting myself be swayed by experts and what other people do instead of trusting my gut? Is that why I feel like a train off its track? What would happen if I actually got on track?

Time to cut off those loose ends and see what I end up with.

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